OPINION: If the elections are going to be this unpleasant, let’s make the campaigns rewarding

I follow the five-year plan for colonoscopies. The doctor keeps finding small polyps that he cuts out and so he tells me to keep coming back to avoid a worse fate. As uncomfortable as it is, at least the preparatory work for that is short and painless compared to the painfully long and arduous presidential elections that take place every four years.

There’s something wrong with politics if I fear elections more than colonoscopies.

Yes, the vote is over. Whether you’re happy with the results or depressed and in a daze, it won’t be long before the next campaign starts. That means we need to start working now to make elections less stressful, less unfair and better for our health. Think of it as painless, non-invasive prep work for a medical exam.

It is probably illegal to ban social media advertising through political campaigns, ban junk mail, and ban misleading speeches and false promises. And it’s likely impossible to police every false claim, fake video, and dishonest statement that is posted, shared, and distributed.

And even if Elon Musk were to head to Mars next week, he would still find a way to return messages that would be more dangerous than a self-driving Tesla in heavy traffic.

Still, there may be some answers. We must try; the country cannot experience this again in four years.

Part of the problem is that there are so many ultra-rich Americans eager to write million-dollar checks to promote their favorite candidates and causes. All that money pollutes the public discussion and drowns out everyone else. If we can’t get our elected leaders to pass laws limiting donations, let’s at least get some good out of those deep pockets. For every dollar a megadonor gives to a candidate or charity, he or she should donate an equal amount to the local food bank, community clinic or childcare center.

It’s not a tax; think of it as a mandatory matching-pledge drive.

And for every junk mailer a campaign or political action committee sends, volunteers should donate an hour of work to cleaning up litter in their community.

For every abrasive, dishonest and manipulative social media post made by a campaign, they should volunteer as a tutor at their local schools, to help teach grammar, spelling and punctuation.

For every major political rally that demands the attention of already busy enough first responders, a campaign should buy a new fire truck or ambulance for the local department. Even larger gatherings would require the campaign to build a new fire hall.

Let’s make it personal too.

Every time a candidate throws a childish insult or resorts to name-calling, he has to spend a day in kindergarten; clearly he failed the class in appropriate behavior the first time.

Every time a candidate threatens a political opponent, he should attend an anger management course or a community relationship building session to learn to love his neighbor, or at least not to slander his neighbor.

And every time a candidate says, “I promise,” he should be required to put it in writing, sign his name, and pay for an insurance policy that will pay out the American public if he doesn’t keep his promise.

Putting a price on dishonesty may be the only way to stop it.

Larry Persily is a longtime journalist in Alaska, with breaks for federal, state and municipal public policy work in Alaska and Washington, DC. He lives in Anchorage and is publisher of the weekly Wrangell Sentinel.

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