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Career Fair, Class of 2028

Posted on by Vaseline
Career Fair, Class of 2028

Stand at a career fair.

A desktop monitor, a laptop and a spilled cup of coffee on a desk.

Corporate juggler
Are you a go-getter? Go get a corporate job! The position used to consist of six different jobs, but time is money, and if you want money, you’re going to have to sacrifice all your time. So strap your phone to your face and prepare for your first day as a secretary/designer/accountant/publicist/lawyer/delivery driver! And don’t forget to write down the nine unnecessary meetings you’ll have every day.

A phone, a package of hot dogs, a wrapped gift and an act for the soul.

Influencer
Easy money and fame! Free stuff! What more can you ask for? No qualifications are required for this job; all you need is a phone and the willingness to rent your entire being to companies. Who needs humanity and self-esteem when you can get free hot dogs and nipple clamps in the mail?

A sign with help on it, two prescription bottles, a Fgraded test and a stethoscope.

Underpaid nurse and/or teacher
Are you passionate about helping others? Do you also have endless emotional and physical resources? Become a nurse and/or teacher! You may be asked to bring your own items from home. (What? You think latex gloves and chalk grow on trees?) Expect objects to be thrown at you on a daily basis, and be careful not to get hit because you don’t have health insurance.

Robot holding a brush and paint can.

AI operator
Watch a computer all day doing the creative things you once dreamed of. Make sure it represents the correct number of fingers on a human hand, and that it does not lose consciousness. The work is boring, but you make enough money for rations and to live in a pipe in Williamsburg with twenty other people.

An old computer, a gun and stacks of cash.

Shadowy war profiteer
There’s nothing like the thrill of accelerating the demise of your own kind! Run troll farms, stoke online hatred and insecurity, sell guns to everyone and start a few wars. The reward is good until humanity destroys itself. After that point, it can be difficult to find work.

The earth in a champagne glass surrounded by flames.

Billionaire
Release your dormant squirrel DNA and start hoarding resources. Sharing is a weakness. Kindness is an obstacle. The more you collect, the emptier you will feel – the tragedy of being a squirrel person. Preferred Qualifications: Big cheeks, generational wealth.

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